It has been
years I wrote and today when I sort of looked back, I observed that I have been
quite conserved and mostly conscious about how the readers will perceive what I
write. Of the few things I have written about, if I read them back again, I get
a mixture of feeling that includes a repulsion, naivety, a smile at how my
thoughts has evolved, and how irrelevant some of the thoughts have become at
this stage and most importantly an open question of why did I even write it!
I used to share
it with my friends, get their help in correcting language and I was judiciously
waiting for comments and responses on those posts. Obviously the attention
hogger in me like one of my dear friends sums it up was seeking some pampering.
But in some ways I was conscious about those throughout. And if I look at it
now, I feel I have that guts to face that naivety in me. This is thanks to all
my friends and all the things in life I have faced and continue to live
through.
So here I look
at and revisit the question of why do I even write. Of the many things I used
to write, I think the only genuine thought that vented out was about painting.
For painting evolved in me thought this period as a way of expression. A way of
re-invention - a tool to understand my imperfections.
As much I try, I
cannot dissect out the buffering and nurturing my teachers and friends have
done for the painter in me. It is again their pure love and nothing to do with
how good a painter I am.
Again for the
thought of being a 'good painter', the devil of comparison and ego creeps in.
So there as well I am seeking some sort of gratification and attention. Looking
back at the way I look at both blogging and painting, I have been doing the
latter through this gap in blogging and I must confess the painter in me has
changed; don’t even want to call it evolved as I don’t know where that journey
will lead towards.
I started
writing this particular piece to revive my blog and also to streamline the
topics I write on. I am compelled more so today than before that I should write
about painting side of my thoughts, as they are the only things I feel are
worth recording. About 2 years back when I met my teacher who is such a
selfless artist and a true teacher, I realize he has lost that enthusiasm in
him to paint budging to all the adversities he faced in his life. He was
looking at me as a sort of future and I am as nervous as I am right now (and I
will ever be) that I should perceive painting fulltime. I am not going to write
the targets he gave me and those many several lessons in painting he gave over
this period whenever I visited him. This saps my courage further as I hardly
get time to paint. This is an excuse and for if anyone wants to do anything,
they will find time. That points to the lethargy and a heap load of hesitation
in me that is stopping me in trying to tough the canvas.
That reminds me,
I have sort of fallen in love and settled for oil on canvas as medium. I have
my expression kit that includes the best of oils available in India, the brushes
and canvases. That said, if I am asked to show the paintings I have completed,
I hardly have a couple of them. There is a whole set of paintings that I
started off but never finished for I realized I started painting in such
mindsets to pour them down on the canvas then but soon came out of it or got
distracted. Owing to this, those many unfinished paintings are something I am
conservative about and I hardly show it to anyone. Exhibition sort of again
brings it down to gratification that I feel is not a very pure form of
expression I am trying to keep painting as.
So what do I
paint! Landscapes? Portraits? Abstract? I really don’t know! I have just
dabbled in a couple of these forms and due to a visual limitation, I am held
back and withdrawn every time I try to finish a painting. Some of my friends
know about it and I don’t want to talk about it. I have also made my mind to
settle these hesitations in me and come out. My teacher and a lot of resources
on the Internet have helped me come out of it and I am almost ready to come
out. I think I want to write about those thoughts that simmer in my mind even
after I got distracted. That again points me to a couple of interesting things
I did with painting and art this year. So before I go on, I think I did try and
break the silence! I am going to post this!
Here are my two
little friends who have been giving me company since over two weeks here at
Anantapur! The trip ends tomorrow and I hopefully write soon!
